LO3: Be Able to Produce a Script For a Media Product
Script Feedback
INT. The West End Pub
Light chatting from everyone around (nothing much about nothing) and the tenuous shaking of a couple cocktails for the girls at the bar (low angle medium full shot of the two laughing and smiling at nothing in particular).
A hand from the corner of a shady side room to the bartender (close up of the hand raising). ‘Two more please’. The hand gives a conceiting smile (medium close up). A chime rings as the rotten door creaks open (low angle).
A well-dressed man. (Cuts to each article of clothing) shoes: black and polished to a tee (close up). Trousers, suitably black (medium close up). A simple navy waistcoat; a well-adorned handkerchief in the pocket (close up). White shirt (close up), what else could it be? A clean, black coat with a nice lapel (cut from medium close up to close up of lapel). Face, shaved, recent (close up). Hair, rugged but styled; lengthy (close up). Eccentric.
The hand speaks again (full shot of the shady man in the corner beckoning). (extreme-close up of the man by the door’s eyes cuts to a full shot) He nods. (Over the shoulder shot of the man walking toward the corner). The bartender shares his suspicions but finishes his work (low angle medium shot). The tension between these two is so thick you couldn’t even cut it with a diamond sword.
Man in the corner
'Please.'
(waves the man to sit down))
Bartender
'Your drinks sirs.'
(Bartender walks to table)
Other man
'Thank you. Why me?'
(looks toward Mob Boss)
Man in the corner
‘It’s a simple matter.’
(Wide shot of the men sitting across from each other, ‘the man in the corner’ takes a sip from his drink as he vacantly looks toward him)
Man in the corner
‘Not for you though’
(shot cuts to an over-the-shoulder shot from the ‘other man’s perspective as he speaks)
The chime rings again. Tensions in the bar are elated. The gentle creaking of the door solemnly echoes to the corner of the room. The two girls by the bar stare, intently (two shot, medium shot from their side, twirling their straws in their drinks and smiling). A beastly figure. Maybe in his 30’s? 40’s? Early 50’s? No one could tell. (Wide shot of a shadowy silhouette). (Same close-up sequence as with the ‘other man’) cathartic in appearance: beige and orange crocs, legs exposed with only a fleeting pair of shorts to cover them. A tank top that drooled and slumped down the man’s lethargic body; grotesque sweat stains pouring over his chest as if he’d just vomited in the outside carpark. A lavish black coat that could also be mistaken for a pricy bath robe. Stubble coated the man’s face and neck like a pox atop a boar’s hide. His nose was overtly red and swollen, as if he’d been punched in it every single day of his life. Eyebags drooping behind a thin pair of aviators and unruly hair that writhed across his scalp; strands matted to his sopping forehead as if they’d been glued there.
He lumbers over to the corner, nodding to the bartender and signalling for a drink (he starts walking forward in a wide shot that cuts to a medium shot of the disparaged bartender, tracking low-angle medium close up from what be the point of view of his armpit as he signals). The man steps boorishly toward the ‘man in the corner’.
(Low angle of the drink on the ‘other man’s’ side of the table as depth of field changes to show the boorish man looking down at it lowering his sunglasses with mouth agape and eyes blinking to adjust to what he’s seeing).
The man in the corner
‘Mr. Custeau.’
(medium shot of him looking toward Mr. Custeau, smiling)
Mr. Custeau
‘You know me? Oh man, you already got me a drink?'
(Cut back to low angle from drink’s perspective, shot cuts to a high angle of the ‘other man’ looking up at Mr, Custeau with a fake smile on his face)
‘Oh, shoot, sorry man, is this yours? Sorry I just blanked you.’
(shot cuts to a low angle from the ‘other man’s’ perspective of Mr. Custeau, shot cuts to a two shot of them with Mr. Custeau reaching his arm out for a handshake)
Other man
‘No worries.’
(He says lightly, clearing his throat and readjusting himself, perturbed, medium shot him reaching to shake Custeau’s hand)
Mr. Custeau
‘You two in... the middle of something or...I can go order a drink and wait if that works?’
(Medium close-up of Custeau gesturing with his hands whether he should leave)
Other man
‘Yes. Should we get back to it...?’
(Medium close-up of the man indicating with his hands that they should move on)
Man in the corner
‘No, I believe I’ve learned everything I need from you. We’ll be in touch.’
(Medium close-ups of him and the ‘other man’ which cut intermittently between each other, the ‘man in the corner’ waving his hand to the ‘other man’ as the ‘other man’ expresses a concerned and sad look)
Mr. Custeau
‘Damn, little harsh?’
(Medium close-up low angle of Mr. Custeau as he looks back at the ‘other man’ leaving the bar, shot cuts to a medium close-up of ‘The man in the corner’ turning his head to Mr. Custeau in confusion, raising his eyebrow slightly)
‘Buy the man a drink and don’t even let him finish.’
(Shot reverse shot between them as the man’s face becomes serious and tense)
Man in the corner
‘Under this table, pointed directly toward your nether region’
(Shot cuts to a medium close-up of the table as it pans downwards from the top of the table to a shot of Mr. Custeau’s legs, the man’s hands and a handgun being cocked in them, audible click as he does so)
‘is a P226 pistol... Now, may we get to business?’
Mr. Custeau
‘Shoot.’
(He says not realizing the poor choice of words)
Man in the corner
‘Do you consider yourself a lucky man, Mr Custeau?’
(Close up of the man laughing/exhaling through his nose and lifting his eyebrows, shot cuts to a close-up of Mr. Custeau cluelessly smiling and nodding back)
Mr. Custeau
‘Right now not really.’
(His face in dishevelled amazement and horror).
Man in the corner
‘Did you feel lucky when you happened to somehow incidentally find 5 pounds of fine cocaine!’
(Low angle as he stands up and slams his fist on the table as he speaks)
EXT. West End Pub
INT. Supermarket/Custeau's Car
Mr. Custeau
‘Five pounds!?’
(The shot then cuts to a full shot of Mr. Custeau standing in a supermarket looking at an overpriced sandwich. The shot cuts to the other side of Mr. Custeau as he walks up the aisle in the direction of the camera. ‘Jump Around’ by House of Pain starts playing as he walks, the shot freezing and the title ‘I’m So Lucky’ appears on screen in sync with the start of the music; shot and freeze frame end as the song continues)
(Short montage sequence as Mr. Custeau walks to his car, buying some groceries, medium shot from the perspective of the top of the dashboard as he sits down, disgruntled; the music stops as he shuts the door. Pressing his face to the steering wheel as the shot changes to a low angle close-up beneath his face on the wheel. As he sits, dejected, face planted on the steering wheel, his phone rings. Mr. Custeau picks up his phone, eyeline match sequence cutting from a low angle close up of Mr. Custeau holding the phone/camera, then to an over the shoulder shot of him looking at the phone with ‘Giovanni’ and a picture of him and Custeau together; Custeau presses answer and raises the phone to his ear as the shot returns to the dashboard top)
‘Hello?’
(He balances his arms on top of the wheel as he speaks, getting comfy).
Giovanni
‘Yo, you busy?’
(Shot cuts to a medium shot of Giovanni in his house, holding the phone to his ear)
Mr. Custeau
‘No not really.’
(Shot cuts back to Custeau as he looks behind him at the back of the car to his groceries)
Giovanni
‘Think you can give me a ride?’
(Shot back to Giovanni)
Mr. Custeau
‘Uh... ‘Yeah sure.’
(Custeau says disgruntled, the shot returns to him, wiping his eyes in slight annoyance as he falls onto his seat)
Giovanni
‘Aight thanks man.’
(The shot stays on Custeau as the phone hangs up)
Mr. Custeau
‘You’re welcome.’
(He says sighing throwing his arms up, throwing his phone in front of him, putting his seatbelt on and turning on the ignition)
EXT. Custeau's Car
INT. Giovanni's Home
Full shot of Giovanni’s door from the inside of the house, Custeau knocks on the other side and Giovanni comes past the camera to open it. Shot cuts to a low angle from the outside of the house to create a full shot of Custeau standing as Giovanni comes outside, shutting the door; the two engage in a secret handshake and walk toward the camera.
(Over the shoulder shot of Custeau walking to the driver’s side of the car and Giovanni walks ahead to the passenger side as Custeau stops him whilst Giovanni is opening the door. He leans on the door as they speak.)
Mr. Custeau
‘Where am I even taking ya’?’
Giovanni
‘Just drive where I tell you to.’
(He says while raising his arm up to Custeau in slight annoyance)
EXT. Giovanni's Home
INT. Rural Sideroad
Close up of Custeau’s foot climbing into the car and the door shutting which acts as a jump cut between locations, arriving at an undisclosed rural setting in the woods. Medium shot of the side of the car of Custeau getting out the car looking concerned and confused, looking to his right at Giovanni who’s off camera.
Mr. Custeau
‘Where are we going? I can’t just leave my ride here.’
(Shot pans to Giovanni exiting the car)
Giovanni
‘Just leave it here a while, not be long.’
(Shot pans back to Custeau who raises his hands in the air in annoyance, his face aggrieved looking to the camera’s direction. Shot cuts to a medium close up of Giovanni looking at Custeau over the roof of the car; resting his hand on it as he speaks)
‘Please?’
(Shot cuts to Giovanni’s perspective from the car roof of Custeau, putting his arms back down, turning to him; shaking his head gently and sighing, looking to the distance again for a few seconds and back to the camera/Giovanni.)
Mr. Custeau
‘Fine.’
Giovanni
(Shot cuts back to a medium close up of Giovanni tapping his hand on the top of the car smiling at Custeau; walking off)
‘Follow me.’
EXT. Rural Sideroad
INT. Killamarsh Train Tracks
Medium close up (low angle) of Giovanni walking with Custeau following behind. Custeau looks around warily. The shot cuts to them stood atop an industrial staircase (low angle wide shot)
Mr. Custeau
‘Why are you being so mysterious about this man?’
(Custeau says whilst still standing behind Giovanni, he looks at him and walks down the stairs toward the camera)
Panning shot with ‘Crush With Eyeliner’ playing diegetically, subtly, in the background through wired headphones. The shot pans around a tree which reveals a man sitting, smoking, nodding his head rhythmically the music. The shot cuts again to a low angle close-up of the miscreant, listening to the music, eyes closed.)
Giovanni
(Moving his head closer and closer into frame, then almost in the man’s ear)
‘Wake up!’
Jackie
(Jumping up almost immediately)
‘Jesus Christ!’
Giovanni
(Low-angle full shot of him standing up over Jackie, Custeau stood behind like a child to their parent)
‘No, just me.’
Jackie
(Medium high-angle of Jackie readjusting himself, still sat on the floor, he speaks still recovering from the scare, obviously stoned. Shot reverse-shot sequence)
‘Gio, man... Who's this?’
(Exclaiming)
Giovanni
(holding his arm around Custeau and shaking him)
‘This Jackie... is the guy whose gonna make a delivery for us’.
Mr. Custeau
‘Woah, no way! I know where this goes.’
(Pulling himself away from Giovanni, annoyed)
Giovanni
‘Come on dude, its nothing... illegal. Right?’
(He says looking toward Jackie; his eyes conveying they both know it is)
‘I’ve got a doctors appointment next Friday and there’s a guy me and Jack owe some stuff to so I can’t make it.’
Mr. Custeau
(Close-up of his face, aggravated and confused)
‘Why can’t he do it? It’s got nothing to do with me!’
Giovanni
(Shot reverse-shot between Custeau and Giovanni, shot cuts to Jackie sitting, taking a puff of his cigarette and spluttering while they talk)
‘Look at him. I trust you, you’ll be fine.’
(He says while smiling at Custeau, as he smiles a gunshot can be heard in the distance, shot cuts to Jackie sprinting up and grabbing a case. CUT TO. Medium shot of Giovanni and Custeau from their sides, both scared)
‘The hell was that Jackie!’
(Jackie thrusts the case into Custeau’s arms)
Jackie
‘I can’t let them find me!’
(Jackie runs off screen, terrified)
EXT. Killamarsh Train Tracks
INT. Rural Sideroad
medium shot of Custeau and Giovanni in the car, the case on Giovanni’s lap, both of them have blank, tired expressions as they look straight forward for a few seconds of silence
Mr. Custeau
(Throwing his arms around)
‘The hell was that Giovanni!’
Giovanni
‘How was I supposed to know what was going to happen!’
(They sit for a few more seconds to calm down)
‘I’ll give you £100 if you take it.’
Mr. Custeau
(Medium close up of Custeau turning his head to look at Giovanni)
‘You’re kidding.’
Giovanni
(CUT TO. Giovanni) - Shot reverse shot
‘That bar on West Street.’
(Taking a little bag out of his pocket filled with a white, powdered substance)
‘Just before you go, take this and you’ll be fine, nothing to worry about...’
(He gets interrupted by Custeau)
Mr. Custeau
(CUT TO. Custeau) - Shot reverse shot
‘No!’
Giovanni
(CUT TO. Giovanni Pouting at Custeau)
‘Come on bro.’
(CUT TO. Custeau in disbelief and switches between Giovanni and Custeau as they interchange)
(CUT TO. Giovanni)
‘Come on dude.’
(CUT TO. Custeau: Custeau looks at him)
(CUT TO. Giovanni)
‘Come on man.’
(CUT TO. Custeau: Custeau becomes progressively calmer and entertained)
(CUT TO. Giovanni)
‘Hundred quid.’
(CUT TO. Custeau: Custeau looks again)
(CUT TO. Giovanni)
‘Please man I do-’
(Shot cuts back to Custeau suddenly as Giovanni is interrupted)
Mr Custeau
‘Give me the god damn bag’.
EXT. Rural Roadside
INT. West End Pub
(Custeau back in the bar)
Mr Custeau
‘No...’
(He says in fear. Shot reverse shot of a medium close up of Custeau and medium shot of The Man)
Man in the Corner
(Readjusting himself and sitting back down)
‘Did you bring it back to me?’
Mr. Custeau
(He says putting his arm over the back of the chair)
‘Yeah, its out back, god damn.’
EXT. West End Pub
INT. West End Car Park Alley
(CUT TO. a tracking shot of Custeau and The Man walking out the bar entrance, gun pointed at Custeau’s back, as they walk a silenced pistol effect plays and they stop walking; as they stop walking, Custeau turns around with his arms held up to reason. This is where he notices, via over the shoulder shot, The Man, paralysed, eyes wide open)
Mr. Custeau
‘You ok man?’
(After a second, Custeau realises what happened and moves to the side to avoid the man falling on him in a medium close up. Custeau moves around, his head turning in every direction with a wide shot of him in the open)
‘I’m-’
(An audible gunshot plays as the screen cuts to black with the logo ‘I’m So Lucky’ appears once more)
Evaluation
Following the feedback given, audiences responded positively to the representation of the crime/comedy, drama genre with an overall 100% feedback rate. These applicable to the character descriptions which were cited as being able to ‘see the characters in your head as you read’. This generally furthered with the audience appeal of these descriptions, including shot types and location/setting immersing them into the world of a crime drama in a way which is ‘intriguing’ through implementation of comedy elements within a given description.
The primary purpose of the feedback however, was to understand what could be improved from V.1 to the final cut of the script; this feedback was overall related to the structure of the script and the segmentation of descriptions, actions, shots, cuts etc. to character dialogue. One primary quote stating ‘it might be overwhelming for them to read it’. Though this feedback also stated ‘it’s good that the actors will know what is going on’ which coincides with the detailed imagery as a strength and weakness for the script which could be fine-tuned. The non-linear structure of the script was also supported by these descriptions as audiences/staff can read where and why a location has been moved to in chronological order.
The content structure is correct in its non-linear, single-stranded format and size 12 'courier new' font style; with the only unconventional difference appearing in the narrative structure. This is evident in conventions like a broken and new equilibrium at the film's start and end as well as a call-to-action indicated by a phone call to the protagonist and later attempt to repair before the short's climax.
Changes Made Following Feedback
Further critical feedback referred to a structural basis comparative to a traditional script as a preference over the more ‘novel-like’ inspirations for the organisation of location, character, shot and action descriptions relative to the dialogue. This therefore, made the script more difficult to follow which is a major issue, especially when considering fonts like size 12 Courier New, are used to make the script as accessible/readable as possible. Therefore, to adhere to this feedback, I organized dialogue and actions to the order of appearance, now segmented in paragraphs or separate lines and highlighted in italics to separate them from dialogue. This further applying to descriptions, particularly at a scene’s beginning, which have formatted to the left of the page rather than the middle where the dialogue and actions reside, allowing for a comprehensible layout. Another change cited by feedback were the names of locations (EXT. INT.) at the beginning and end of a scene which were changed to a bold highlight of text that stated the location’s name to define when one scene ends and another begins more easily. This therefore, fit the script within traditional conventions with defined ‘ins’ & ‘outs’ and ‘CUT TO.’ For complex sequences.
These inclusions of traditional script structure/format were the primary changes from planned pre-production documents which made the overall script easier to read but also to follow or scan for specific sections/scenes. I used a non-linear method of storytelling as I wanted to create a narrative that posed a lot of questions as to who and why characters are in certain positions or certain ways within the first scene and answer how the protagonist came to be in such a situation throughout a roundabout flashback sequence. The single-stranded narrative furthered this as the flashback sequence would be about the experiences of the protagonist leading up to that point therefore, multi-stranded narrative types would've taken away from the verisimilitude of that focused story. A linear story would've exacerbated this concern as it detracts from the mystery of the protagonist's arrival to such a contrasting scene leaving little room for intrigue and therefore, audience interpretation.
Legal and Ethical
A legal consideration prominent in scriptwriting is often copyright: the incidental use of a trademarked name or a concept too reminiscent of a pre-existing property (e.g. the use of band names for fictional characters within ‘JoJo's Bizarre Adventure’ being altered to avoid copyright infringement). Creatively, this is dependent on influences like ‘Reservoir Dogs’ and ‘The Big Lebowski’ with staples like the non-linear script structure to portray a botched gang operation or the denotation of a laze character sporting sunglasses. However, through characterization and minor differences like name or appearance, this issue was avoided through not re-treading ground which infringes an extent too far on these pre-existing properties. Another legal issue with copyright comes from the music referenced within the script however, this can be avoided through paying or obtaining fair rights to the use of copywritten tracks which would appear in the final product of ‘I’m So Lucky’. These tracks can also be altered to semantically similar, copyright free music.
An ethical issue which was considered during the script’s
production was the portrayal of violence such as gun crime in a way which was
glamorized. The consumption by one of the actors (playing the Mob Boss) is also
an ethical issue as the representation, of the actor, needs to be visibly over
25. To not glorify these violent/illegal acts, representations of consequence,
such as the Mob Boss' death add to spectacle which conveys the danger of
illegal activity, intended to dissuade any positive association with these
acts. Under the regulation of the BBFC, this content is therefore suitable as
any graphic violence is held off-screen or is ‘minimal’ in gore to instead
signify the consequence of a given violent action rather than a strict
portrayal.
